Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
