Kiss
Puke
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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