Just fell off a train. Bad.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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