u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
