My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
