i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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