The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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