When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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