The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
