i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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