no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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