Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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