Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize