I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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