I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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