I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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