i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
