it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
