Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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