Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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