Betty ford says i'm here all night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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