i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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