i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
