The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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