Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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