Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
