so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
