I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i need some magic done to my vagina
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
