i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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