I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
