and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
