So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize