false alarm. still invincible.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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