i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
