i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
