I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
