We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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