In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
