can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
