Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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