i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
