I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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