Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
