did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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