So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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