its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
