I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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