I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
