I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
