Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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