yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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