I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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