Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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