Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize