If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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