i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
