come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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