matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
