God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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