I faked an abortion last night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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