No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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