I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
