I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A bitchslap is in order.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
